Change is not always permanent.

I thought it wouldn’t happen this year.  Last year it was something as silly as re-reading a children’s book which brought on the deep sadness that just made me sit and not want to speak to anyone or get out of bed.  This book and this sadness ultimately changed my life drastically dramatically greatly?  Not sure what word to use.  But my outlook in life definitely improved because * I made a decision that I couldn’t let this fictional ending happen and I had to leave my home and travel to another country on the other side of the world in a completely different hemisphere to try and fix something unfixable.  If you really are in a negative place or even in a positive place, please re-read the last sentence starting from the asterisk and think about what I actually decided to do while in this state of mind.  Don’t make any drastic decisions without consulting friends or family.  I made a decision while in a negative place.  And while everything has turned out positively, not all decisions made in a negative state of mind will turn into positive outcomes.  I made the decision to leave the country initially as a half-hearted joke and it didn’t really become a full on serious decision until I climbed my first mountain in New Brunswick one month after this half-hearted joke.  I had help and encouragement from my friends and family and I found strength within me to go out and do things on my own to make this journey happen.  I’m glad I made this decision.  I’m glad I made this journey.  And this journey has changed my life.  But I guess some things can’t be changed permanently.

I am feeling bad again.  Sad.  It is the same deep sadness that I felt last year and the years before.  Nothing as bad as that very first year.  And my thought processes are definitely clear and not as messed up as it was back in 2006 and 2007.  But, I should’ve seen the signs earlier.  I guess I was hopeful or stubborn.  And the stupid thing is, it always starts the same.  Sleep, or more specifically the lack of.  It was over the Easter long weekend, just like it has been every year for the last 7 years.  In those four days, I only slept for two and then the rest of the week was just restless sleep, no REM sleep as my co-worker would say.  Maybe I was thinking it was just nerves pre Sun Run.  I don’t think so.  I can’t really pinpoint a specific thing that has brought me back to this feeling.  Work? Maybe?  Work always has a part in it, big or small, it’s always a part of it.  I’m just recognizing things that I felt from all those long years ago.  And I guess breaking down during your kickboxing class is also a sign.  OR it could’ve been all the punches that I was taking in the body and head.  But when I felt myself giving up and not really caring that I was getting hit over and over again, I had to admit to myself that the sadness was back.  I don’t want to use the “D” word.  And here is where my stubbornness will hold fast.  I will not use the “D” word.  It’s not a bad word.  I just don’t like it.  Right now, it is just a deep seated feeling of sadness and emptiness right now.  Numbness?  Not sure.  I’m only just recognizing that it’s back.  And I’m hoping it’s only been these last two weeks and not earlier.

So what is a stubborn aunty to do about this?  Sadly it hasn’t started well.  I skipped out on a run today and slept in.  Instead I read a couple of running magazines and a few websites on running uphill and downhill.  And then I tweaked my calendar to add training runs in preparation for my next race in just over three weeks time.  I have to make sure I stick with my plan.  You might think that’s promising, making plans, tweaking calendars.  But I used to do that almost obssesively and then back out last minute or I would stare at the calendar as tears streamed down inexplicably.  Not good.  And it’s happening again.  But recognizing it is half the battle, Right?  If this is anything like last year, these feelings will go away in a few weeks and I’ll have another year to work on making sure it doesn’t return next year.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a run/hike, alone or with a friend.  I haven’t heard back from my friend but I knew not to expect anything from her till last minute.  If she decides to come out my way, it will be a run.  If she passes, I might got for a hike.  I haven’t gone on a hike since New Zealand.  It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.  So that will be a dreary run or hike.  But the run is in a nice neighbourhood and the hike, well it’ll be a short one to Quarry Rock in Deep Cove.  Tonight I’m supposed to go out with some friends from kickboxing class, yes the same people who punched me and made me cry.  We are going out to watch a kickboxing match and then head out for a late dinner.  I don’t know if I’ll go, even though I’ve already paid for the ticket.  But I don’t like to waste money.  I’ll probably go, but skip the dinner.  I probably will leave early since I have a run/hike tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll bring my camera tonight.  I haven’t really used my camera much since returning from New Zealand.  I miss New Zealand.


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